As most of you know, my mom died in February of last year. She was my very best friend and I miss her so much it hurts. But I've also got a lot of pent up anger that I need to get out and I feel like this is a safe place to do it.
My mom was a single mom for pretty much all the years that I can remember. She had to work 2 & 3 jobs at a time to support my brother and I...it's hard for me to even begin to comprehend the sacrifices that she made for us. She always worked so hard and only wanted what was best for Ryan and I. And with that came expectations. I was always expected to be the best. I excelled in school and so many activities, just so I wouldn't be letting her down. If I messed up, I felt like she looked down on me and I felt miserable.
When I had Alex, I had already expected a lot of myself, and especially being a single mother, my heart was heavy with the responsibility. My mom was wonderful to help me with Alex so much, but she was also VERY protective of Alex and I could rarely do right by her. I felt like I wasn't doing a good job as Alex's mom, that I was failing miserably. But I did my best, just like I always had. Even when I worked so hard to marry Tony in the Temple, I still felt I wasn't good enough in her eyes.
After being overweight for many years, my mom lost about 100 pounds and consequently became obsessed with weightloss and turned her focus on me. I was pregnant with Emma and all she would tell me was that I needed to get the weight off as soon as I could the second I gave birth. She was always telling me that I didn't look good, or that I could look better. So, so frusterating. But I never told her how I felt because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. I know that she just wanted me to be my best, but it was an ALL THE TIME thing that took a real toll on me.
Six days after I had Emma, Tony and I got to take Alex to the courthouse to finalize his adoption, what a wonderful day!! My mom didn't think that the adoption was the best idea for the time being, but she grudgingly met us at the courthouse. As we were leaving, I thanked her for coming to support us and she hugged us and walked to her car. I watched her walk away, for what seemed like a long, long time. I wondered when I was ever going to do good by her and when I would be the daughter & woman that she wanted me to be. I can still picture her walking to her car in the parking lot, it's the last time I saw my mom alive. And knowing that the last time that I saw her, that she was diappointed in me...that hurts.
My mom died 11 days later, very unexpectedly. I didn't get a say in whether or not I was ready for my mom to die. I didn't get my chance to tell her that I was proud of myself, that I was a good woman and was doing my best, and that I was sorry that I was such a constant disappointment to her.
Since then, when I think about losing weight, I think of my mom. I think about how that's what she would want me to do and what she would constantly tell me to do. And if she were here, I would have lost all of this baby weight a long time ago, but since she's not around to intimidate me, she's not here to make me feel nasty ugly all the time. I feel like I can finally do what I want. I don't want to be overweight, but I have felt like holding onto my weight is the way that I show her that I am finally in charge of my life and that she's no longer dictating how I live it. I'm finally in control.
On the other hand...I'm sick of this...I want to be done. I struggle feeling this way about my own mom, who sacrificed so much of her life for me. I want to forgive her and look forward to being with her again someday. I need to finish being angry. I need my broken heart to be healed. This is one of the burdens I plead with Heavenly Father to please take away from me. With this being said, I still feel like I need my mommy, I need a hug, I need to tell her that I'm sorry for being angry and beg her to forgive me. I need her to tell me that I'm living a life that she is proud of.
And I know that I am, and I am proud of who I am. More importantly, I know that I am living well in the sight of our Heavenly Father.
Even still....sometimes a girl just needs her mom.
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4 comments:
I love that your blog is private, so no one that actually KNOWS me, besides you will read this:
That sounds A LOT like my mom. It got to the point of nagging and constant internal humiliation for me that began to suffer from an eating disorder for several years. I can blame a LOT of the negative feelings that I have towards myself, my weight, my self-confidence and other things directly to my mom.
She is at least still here, but I will never be able to tell her how angry I STILL AM with her for always making me feel so completely inadequate. Not just with my weight, but LOTS other things like my sports, my grades, my boyfriends, the way I parent, the way I spend my money and plan my future, decorate my house...everything! In high school when I was my thinnest and battling my issues, she NEVER accepted that I had a problem, ignored it and got annoyed that I was "skinnier" than her. She NEVER acknowledged that I had a problem and that she helped aid and feed into it. I think that hurt even more.
But, here I am several years later (obviously not at a weight I would like to be at) and subconsciously I think I feel like being heavier is my safety from being sick and sad again, even if it means being skinny. I think I have realized, though that all of my mom's negative comments, digs etc were really her own selfish obsession with herself and it made her feel better when she made me (or others) feel worse. It stinks that it is your own mom that would make you feel that way, but all I can do now is promise myself that I will NEVER make my girls feel inadequate, no matter how they look, dress, behave etc.
I also think that our moms DO have regrets, and they are human so they do make mistakes. I know that even though my mom has not publicly acknowledged that she was wrong about anything she has done, I am sure she has a list of stuff she wishes she could have done differently as a parent. I also think my mom battles a little bit of depression, and when they have that, they have a hard time seeing anything through anyone else's eyes. So it has taken me a long time to even open up to my mom about anything, but I am slowly learning to forgive her, and have compassion towards her and the reasons that she must feel the need to make herself feel better. As for you, I am sure that even though you haven't gotten the chance to talk to your mom about any of this stuff, she knows. It isn't always easy, but doesn't blogging about it help to start lifting the weight off of your shoulders?
Anyhow, this was prob TMI, but I am not ashamed of who I was or what I have been through. I think it has made me the stronger and more compassionate person that I try to be today. And I think it will make you (and me) better moms to have gone through this kind of stuff.
And hopefully, 30 years from now our daughters won't be blogging about all of the mistakes we made as parents. !!!Cross our fingers!!!
PS, I know your mom must be SO proud of you. Sometimes we have a hard time telling the people we love the most how we really feel, but I am sure she wishes she could tell you now. You are lucky to have a guardian angel.
Your mom loved you and I am certain she was proud of you, even if it was difficult for her to say it. We really need to be able to have lunch ;o) There is so much we have to talk about.
Connie,
I also struggle with my Mom and like you, I'm not sure she really understands. She is very critical. If you want to talk my call or come over. I haven't figure out a way to forgive her and move on.
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